“What’s in a name?” Juliet asks… sadly I am not talking about star crossed lovers. It’s now been a week since my last and final appointment at the hospital trying to find out answers. I was silly (as pointed out by my CBT counsellor) as I kept focusing on certain dates – the post mortem results date, then the hysteroscopy date, then the 3D scan date. Hoping that each of them would give us the final piece of the puzzle.
As you know the ALICE appointment back in December didn’t yield any answers. So on Monday 14th I had a hysteroscopy, and despite the promise of a “special” chair (thanks Lou and Riggy!), being turned upside down, some special liquid and a camera inserted to look at my uterus (twice so that my consultant could see after the first specialist had looked) – all they could confirm was that there was a slight tunnel. This could mean one of two things they explained (I must say my consultant is lovely and always explains medical speak to me in normal terms), either I have a true bicornate uterus (like a heart shape with a big dip down the middle) or a uterine septum – basically a bit that hangs down.
The former they could do nothing about, the latter they could operate one, under keyhole surgery and then I would have to have a coil in place for three months so that my uterus wouldn’t collapse. I was hoping for the septum, as this COULD mean that the placenta(s) or babies had both attached here, and it would never have had enough blood flow to it. Very odd thing to hope for an abnormality like that, and actually want to NEED surgery to fix it, but it was better than the other option which could not be operated on and never fixed. Now, I say I wanted it fixed, is not because of wanting more children, simply and perhaps too to honest for some, I just wanted my body rid of something that potentially killed two of my previous babies.
Anyway, the lovely consultant pushed things through and got me a 3D scan on the Thursday, as this would confirm either way, with a transvaginal camera, what the exact structure was. So again I went away counting down the hours, thinking THIS IS IT! This scan will show the septum, I will have my answers, I will get it cut off and move on. It didn’t. As soon as the 3D image popped up the specialist said “No septum there, no need for surgery”. I burst into uncontrollable tears. Where had my answers gone? Where had my dream of riding my body of evil gone? He did say my uterus isn’t bicornate, it’s an arcuate uterus – the one LEAST associated with problems. So what’s it a name? Actually a LOT for me, it’s not a “septum”, it’s not even “bicornate”… just plain old “arcurate”…
So, it seems that Dylan was our little miracle, he survived my odd shape uterus, and is here every day being the light of my life. When Dylan is older, and asks why he doesn’t have a sibling, I will use a phrase a wonderful courageous colleague of mine used with her child, “my body was made just for you”.
Muddled Mummy 