So in my head, I think we are expecting more devastation, but my heart won over my head and we decided to try one last time, third time lucky right?! We are indeed hoping to welcome a little boy on the 17th December. I know a lot of people will be shocked by this, I’ve even had one comment of “you’re a glutton for punishment”… but we both felt we had one last try in us. Some people have been a bit more optimistic, telling us they will keep fingers and toes crossed for us. Others have described us as “brave” – which I guess could be taken in a positive or maybe negative way – in that we are brave because we might well lose again.
As before we got pregnant very quickly, which I know is incredibly fortunate, as many couples try for years, but I still sit here and think I should either have little Max at 9 months old or a tiny Isabella at 2 months old, so I can’t exactly feel “lucky”. I’ve already had four scans, and the hospital are keeping very close care of me, scanning every two weeks, as well as being on various medication, which “should” help. The medication is making me feel horrendous, and it’s an even more bitter pill to swallow when the consultant tells me the studies are mixed on if they will actually help or not, but I am willing to try anything.
My first scan was at 6.5 weeks in the EPU, I was terrified. I had convinced myself that there would be nothing there, that the 6 positive pregnancy tests and missed period was just nature playing another cruel trick on us. It’s odd, when you see a teenie tiny heart beating, there is a moment of relief, followed by the realisation that this is the first milestone in many, and I’ve been here twice before, then had it ripped away.
The next scan was at 8.5 weeks, having had a booking in appointment the day before. Again, all I could think was “I bet that hour and a half booking in yesterday was a waste of time, baby is bound to have gone”. But there it was, grown into a recognisable baby shape and heart beating away. Again the same sense of relief, but the same dread of getting through to the next scan and seeing a bigger image on the screen.
The third scan was a Harmony test at a private clinic, even in the nicer surroundings (free parking, free tea and free biscuits!!), I still felt terrified. But again, the scan went well, and a week later when the blood test results came back, we found out that we had very low risk of the three syndromes, so at least in my head I thought “at the moment the baby is healthy”. We also found out that it is a little boy, a much longed for brother for Dylan.
The fourth scan was on Monday last week – making me 12 weeks plus 6 days, I know some people would say “oh I am 12 weeks”… through out this pregnancy I will always add the days, as each day the baby lives is an extra tiny ray of hope that he will survive. It was lovely to see him kicking away, sucking his thumb, and normally with this you would go and shout from the roof tops that you are expecting a little bundle of joy. I don’t feel joy, I just feel fear. Every day I go to the toilet and expect to see blood, I don’t think that will change the entire pregnancy. After all, by this gestation Isabella had been born.
One milestone will be tomorrow, when I hit fourteen weeks – this means if anything did go wrong, I would be on the maternity ward, not on Compton ward. I love Wendy – she has been fantastic through all of this – and her team on Compton are all very caring, but being on the maternity ward is just slightly more reassuring. Another major milestone in my head will be once we get to 17 weeks, as that will be further along than Max. Then a 20 week scan will be another milestone, 24 week mark when baby COULD survive if born is another milestone. I need to have these mini successes all the way along, otherwise I think my head will implode with paranoia about another loss.
It’s odd to say I don’t want congratulations messages, I don’t think I will want to celebrate anything until he is actually here. All I want is people to keep their fingers and toes crossed for us please that we get our Rainbow baby x
Muddled Mummy 