So it was this time a year ago I wrote by first blog on this site, timed with Baby Loss Awareness Week and the annual Wave of Light (https://muddledmummy.com/2018/10/07/i-feel-guilty-when-i-laugh/) . I had lost Isabella in very traumatic circumstances the month before on 25th September, having lost Max only five months previously on April 15th – and was very “broken” to say the least. I certainly couldn’t envisage a time that I would really enjoy life again, let alone contemplate making a new life.
So much has happened this year, both at work and at home, that it has flown by. It was unimaginable to me that a year on from lighting that first candle that we would be 31 weeks pregnant with a little boy (counting down only 7 weeks to go now before induction – the date has bow been booked!!). It was also unimaginable that Rebecca’s Room would have gone from an initial idea to actually being opened and in use (https://muddledmummy.com/2019/09/08/momentous-miraculous-moments-rebeccas-room-a-reality/). And I DEFINITELY didn’t realise that I would have the honour of being involved in the Secret Garden Charity Ball – all in aid of the Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society (SANDS) who had funded the Forget-Me-Not suite in which I gave birth to Max.
I was first asked to join the committee late last year, by the wonderful Kat, and was introduced (via the wonders of Whatsapp) to the other lovely committee members – Lauren, Laura and Allison. It was very soon apparent how driven these ladies were for not only putting on an amazing event (which they had done twice already in 2017 and 2016), but also how much they cared about raising money for SANDS. I could only hope that I would be able to help out as much as I could.
It was daunting meeting them for the first time, as they had all known each other for a long time now, and I felt like a newbie at school walking into the pub the first time, but I shouldn’t have been nervous. They were all friendly and welcoming, with some sharing their stories of loss with me, that meant so much to be around other women that understood my pain. I had found a new tribe.
The months rolled by and I tried to help sourcing raffle prizes, securing two tables of lovely friends at the ball, and nearer the time selling as many raffle tickets as I could. They organised so many fantastic things, from light up SANDS letters to a three course dinner with DJs. The date of the ball, last Saturday night, came around very quickly and I was asked to give a speech on the night. I thought all would be fine, my speech covered why I joined the committee, how amazing I thought the ladies were, logistics for the night and what everyone’s money would be going to – listing out some of the ways SANDS helps bereaved parents.
When I practiced it at home, it was fine – different story on the night though! I didn’t even make it to the second paragraph before I felt the tears coming. As soon as I mentioned losing my two beautiful souls the emotions overtook me and I ended up crying on stage in front of over one hundred people. I could blame tiredness, my hormones, nerves – but ultimately, I just think it’s all still too raw for me to be ok. Despite the CBT I am still having, every day I miss Max and Isabella, every day I think what if, and every day I still expect to loss this baby. It just all took centre stage – quite literally – on Saturday night. The next day I was looking through some baby loss awareness week posts on Instagram, and one of the hashtags this year is #itsoknottobeok, also in line with mental health awareness week – and I think I need to keep this in mind. I know some people will find it odd still feeling this devastated, and think it shouldn’t matter as much know as have another little one on the way, but I think ultimately only people who have been through it will understand that a piece of your puzzle will always be missing. But that is ok. How many have a complete puzzle anyway, there are always things people wish for…
Here are a few pictures from the night – we raised so much money for SANDS – an UNBELIEVABLE £5,300 and I am really proud of all of us. Bring on 2020! I would also like to thank my amazing tribe who came to the event to support me, I hope you all know how much I love you.
Finally, please remember to light a candle at 7pm tonight, and remember all those beautiful souls taken too soon.
Muddled Mummy 