So it’s been a while since my last blog! I wanted to wait until I had gone through my listening service appointment until I blogged again, but that was a couple of weeks ago and been taking the time to sort my thoughts out around it.
A listening appointment is with a senior midwife where you are able to go through your notes line by line and ask questions. I had it after Dylan’s birth and it really helped me process everything, so had high hopes – unfortunately I was disappointed – not due to anything the hospital did wrong, but my expectations were unrealistic. In short, I thought the notes would be really detailed as they were with Dylan, but in reality the “birth” started at 18.50 when I got to ward and finished at 19.35 when he was out. They didn’t have time to observe every tiny detail. Basically I was on machine at 7.00, 7.05 everything normal with readings, 7.12 machine started going crazy so they tried to get me in different position as heart beat was saying 70 – half what it should be. Luckily there was a Dr free on the ward at that very moment who immediately came and examined me and made the call to do an emergency c section (I shuddered to think what might have happened if for some reason it took a while for a Dr to come and make that decision). Then at 7.19 a “category one” bleep was called – the worst one there came be which makes the surgical team come running, as well as the special care baby unit notified – clearly they assumed that little man was going to come out with some problems to overcome. I was in theatre by 7.24 being prepared, and 7.29 “knife to skin recorded”.. by 7.35 he was out and cord cut etc.
As you can see everything was rapid. His heartbeat did go back up in theatre, which made me ask “what if they had just waited”… as even if I could have had an epidural and Matt be present I would have felt better about the birth, but quite rightly the midwife said that if they had waited, I could be sitting there asking why they waited if my baby had died. She also emphasised that once they call a category one it’s rarely changed, and that they really only do emergency c sections under general in the absolute worst circumstances. The notes also said he came out “pink”.. and had no problems. I lost 1.7 litres of blood, so that’s why it took a while to get me back to recovery etc. So I did get some answers, but there are still things I will never know, like why he stopped moving, was it the cord causing problems or something with my placenta, how close we had come to losing him, what position he was in etc. I just have to accept that somethings will always remain unanswered and I shouldn’t dwell on them as we do have our little miracle safely here. But it’s just hard when I still think about it every day, not having a proper birth, neither of us being there etc. I just wish one of my four births had been a positive birth experience.
I have also been reading the follow up to “This is Going to Hurt” by Adam Kay, called “‘Twas the nightshift before Christmas”… (both excellent reads) – I am probably not meant to put photos on here but included Amazon links so you can buy the books to read the rest, so in theory free publicity. There are some pages that really hit home.
The first one reinforces my point in my last blog about following Count the Kicks and listening to your body, Isaac wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t….and I am glad that the staff at The Royal Surrey know the importance of following “a mother’s hunch”.
The second section that made me cry was around baby loss, so people may think losing babies at 17 and 12.5 weeks isn’t as much as a big deal as my blogs make out, but I still gave birth to them both, I named them both and I had a funeral for both. Adam rights very movingly about a couple losing their IVF baby… not just a “six weeker”. I had “normal” scans with both loses and it’s so hard to realise things can literally change over night. It’s natural to want answers and explanations – but we never got any.
Trying to be more positive… I recently had a wonderful conversation with someone who had tragically lost a child at 28 weeks, and she told me how they used to mark the date every year, friends and family would send cards etc – but the couple asked them to stop. The reason being she said was that her son that was born after the loss got upset by it. She advised not focussing on children that you have lost, yes talk to them about it if they ask, but the youngest child might come to think that they wouldn’t have been born if the children you lost had survived. Which ultimately for us is true, but I would never want Isaac to grow up feeling that. I do think this was good advice, I’ve kept all the scan photos and memories of my pregnancies with Isabella and Max, but will only show both boys if they ask.
Finally what has also taken up a lot of my time and headspace is the struggles we have been having on our breastfeeding journey. We discovered Isaac had a tongue tie – after I saw a lovely and very supportive breastfeeding consultant called Emily Taylor at a clinic in Bordon at the Forest Health Center (runs every Friday) – as I was in agony when feeding off my right hand boob. She also thought that his jaw was quite tight, so suggested some cranial therapy. It was great to have confirmation I wasn’t going mad and there was a reason I was in pain, so very grateful to Emily.
I got the tongue tie cut privately, as I couldn’t handle waiting 13 days to been seen by NHS. It did ease the pain, but sadly only for a few days, and it seems now the tongue has reattached so I’m currently deciding whether it’s worthwhile cutting again.
What has DEFINITELY helped is the cranial therapy we have had with Kate Rosati. So far I’ve had three sessions, and have a fourth booked in soon. It’s fascinating what Kate can tell by looking at how Isaac feeds as well as physical features. For instance, his forehead in one area is quite flat, so she thinks he was born back to back. Also, his jaw is tight and his chin locked down – causing a little ridge on his chin – and she thinks this might be where the cord was wrapped round. He also swipes a lot at the right side of his face, so that might be were his face was squashed into my pelvic area. Kate is so calming and knowledgable on breast feeding as well, and seeing her has made the feeding 100x more comfortable and meant we are able to continue on our journey, when I really was ready to give up.
I’ve decided to keep this blog going sporadically, talking about being a mum of boys and parenting after loss, so I hope you will stay with me, thanks for all the love and support so far xx
P.S photo of Isaac just because he’s so damn cute!
Muddled Mummy 