I am using a new app to write this blog where you speak and it turns into text. Hopefully it’s going to work as I’m trying to keep up the blogging whilst looking after/failing to home school a four year old, constantly feeding a four month old, whilst being majorly sleep deprived, during the Corona Virus lockdown of spring 2020.
I’m currently just walking back from my daily “allowed exercise” through the Chawton Park woods and trying to get Isaac to sleep in the sling as he refuses to sleep in the cot and I’m not supposed to drive anywhere unless it’s essential. I would argue napping a baby during his four month sleep regression is essential, but not sure that would really make the cut. I just went to visit the place where we scattered Max and Isabella’s ashes. It’s the first time I’ve had a chance to get up here since Isaac was born. And in a weird way, I wanted to go and introduce Isaac to Max and Isabella – that sounds so strange when I say it out loud (remember I am walking and dictating this blog into my phone). I think though, unless you’ve been in a similar situation, you may not be able to understand it. Issac to me, is their brother. They are his big sister and big brother, I know you could say Isaac wouldn’t be here if Max had survived, or if Isabella had survived, which is factually correct. But as I’ve explained before, in my head I have given birth four times, I have four children, just that sadly two of them are not on this earth with me.
Anyway, parenting through Covid 19 was meant to be the theme of this blog. This was certainly not how I was expecting to be spending my maternity year. I was expecting to spend it drinking lattes and eating cake, having lunches with friends who were either on maternity leave or “stay at home mums”, who by the way I haven’t absolute new found extreme respect for. I don’t know how anybody does it looking after pre school children (and younger), full time at home. I’ve been doing it for two ish weeks, granted with a newborn as well, but other people do that too and smash it (I am talking about you Emma T). I’m shattered emotionally, physically and mentally. So, this is me, taking all my hats off to stay at home parents – I shouldn’t say just mums as there stay at home dads too. Anyway, back to maternity leave, I thought I would be in the gym with Isaac in crèche for an hour a few times a week, I’d be spending my Tuesdays volunteering at NCT Happy Days. My Wednesday’s would be doing an amazing baby group called Tots Play which is led by a friend called Georgie – we did the baby development course before this all started, and had just started doing the Discovery Tots classes. I was loving my maternity leave and feeling the most relaxed and settled I had been in two years.
See this is what’s so weird about life at the moment – a couple walking just moved paths so they could observe the two meter social distancing rule – we used to walk past people perhaps stop and chat, and now just keep walking past them, hide in a bush etc.
I’m worried about my parents, even talking about it now, as I walk makes me want to cry. I cry every time I see them – clarification when I see them I’m not going around to their house as that’s against the COVID rules. I mean from a distance or on video. I’ve not seen them properly for over three weeks, occasionally we get each other shopping and leave it on the doorstep, knock on the door, stand well back and say hello. I am finding absolutely heart wrenching – can’t handle it at all and now I’m crying in the woods, all on my own with only a tree to hug. I haven’t seen my sister either – and she is my best friend – I can’t handle not seeing her even if it was just in the nursery car park during school drop off, just talking through it now has made me realise how lucky I am to live close to my family, and see them so often. Now I’d never ever want it to change.
The reason I’m worried about my parents is my mum has asthma is 69, and dad, as many of you know, had a stroke many years ago, but is still not in hundred percent health. It doesn’t seem like this virus knows any bounds anyway – a 13 year old boy died who apparently had no underlying conditions, a five year old boy died at the weekend – he did have underlying conditions but ****, five years old, and taken by a virus, my heart absolutely breaks for his family.
We are trying to play by the rules as much as we possibly can. We haven’t seen anyone else other than the four of us as haven’t been anywhere. We take the exercise we are allowed daily from our house and we’ve been lucky and getting a few home grocery deliveries, where we need to stock up my sister or parents have had deliveries and we are all doing bits for each other – we antibacterial wipe things as soon as they come in the house etc.
The only other person I’ve seen outside of my house was when I saw a nurse when Isaac had to have his four months jabs. It was just scary and super surreal – you go into the health centre and get asked to put on a mask and sanitise hands, there was someone manning the door and everywhere was eerily quiet. The nurse had a mask on too and was so lovely and calm – it was one of those things you can’t avoid though, I believe in immunisation so Isaac had to go. So as you can imagine being kept in the house with a cranky four month old post jabs isn’t easy (plus an even crankier four year old who wants to see his friends). Also said four month old is currently going through a sleep regression and something called the “fourth leap” – which is a mental developmental stage where they can be really fussy and clingy etc. The stress levels were certainly very high last week!
I shouldn’t moan because I know other people have it a lot harder than I do. Matt has now been furloughed as well. I’m trying to think of its blessing rather than worrying about the difference in money (as obviously I’m on heavily reduced pay because I’m on maternity leave). But it means he is now around how to help “school” Dylan and quite honestly, I was seriously starting to worry about my mental health – so it has come as relief. I was crying every single day, I felt like I was letting both boys down. I was getting angry at Dylan because I was too tired and massively overwhelmed by the fact that he may not be going to nursery and home schooling on my own for possibly 12 weeks – probably even longer. Also I felt that it was hampering my bonding time with Issac as well, because it felt like the only time I could give him was really just trying to feed him before Dylan would call for me to go and play with him, but at least Matt can help now. I am still worried about my mental health – I think everyone at the moment is focusing on physical health, understandably so, but the mental health of people is also drastically important. For people who are losing their businesses, people who have their jobs, people have lost relatives, that’s going to have a big impact for years and years and years to come on mental health too. It’s just the physical side of it seems to be the tip of the iceberg of what is going to happen because of this outbreak.
I worry for my friends who work on the NHS frontline, but I’m trying to keep in contact with them as much as I can. I feel incredibly sad for my pregnant friends, must be ultra worrying for them, especially if they’re not going to be able to introduce the new arrival to friends and family – that is something that’s a lovely part of welcoming a new baby, to the world.
I feel like it’s something that we’ll look back on in years come when we’re old and grey and say “I remember the outbreak of 2020”. When we would #clapforNHS every Thursday night, when we put rainbows in our windows, did family video calls, when we would listen to a 5pm political broadcast every night, when our prime minister was in the ICU with the virus (whether you like him or not, I think everyone wants to see him pull through, he does love his country in his own way).
I am really praying that I’ll be able to say that I didn’t lose anyone I loved to it. The one good thing is that my boys will not remember any of it, and I am grateful for the extra unexpected time we get to spend as a family before Dylan goes to school. I do worry about the fact that we’ve been three years getting Dylan into a structure – because he needs structure, he is highly active and can be highly emotional (like I am sure most four year old boys can be). And at the moment very attached to me- will not let me go anywhere in the house without following me around even though I just got stairs go to the loo, he says “I love you Mummy I want to come with you and want to be with you every single minute”. First it was cute but now I worry about how he’s going to adapt to going to school, I am really hoping nursery will reopen by August so he’ll get back into a little bit of a rhythm of things – back to a more formal educational setting, wearing a uniform, back to some lessons etc – if not, September is going to be incredibly tough. I think because all of this I’m going to try and stay off work until January unpaid, because he’ll need the support during his first term, but also because I want to be able to have some time after all of this with just me and Isaac, to try and repair a bit of the bond we were developing.
Schooling as best I can
Anyway I am getting to the main road on my walk now so will stop rambling. I hope everyone is ok and will see you on the other side. And remember #stayhomesavelives.
Muddled Mummy 