Well it’s been a while…and in some respects much has changed since my last blog (leaving IBM after 13 years!) and in other ways things are the same. Today makes five years since Isabella was born sleeping, and the pain is still very much in my heart and head. Thursday would have also been Max’s fifth birthday if he hadn’t been born sleeping in April 2018.
This September has been particularly hard, because if either of them had lived, they would have been starting school. I’ve sat at my desk, which is by the school street window, and sobbed as I’ve seen the little reception children walked past, thinking that my sleeping babies should be with them. It’s so hard to explain, as that will be Isaac next year, and I am so excited for that stage of his life. But the pain doesn’t go and the thoughts of what might have been are still there.
As I said, I moved jobs and went to work for an ex IBMer at a company called Anaplan. This particular person did know what I’ve been through, and knows that there are still times when I struggle, especially with certain triggers (even people with the same names as my two sleeping babies still feels like a stab in the heart when I hear them). She has been very supportive and given me the space I need when I’ve needed it. When I joined I did think about not being open about it and starting afresh, as I was adding new colleagues on LinkedIn, I was thinking maybe I won’t do any posts about baby loss and not share my sponsorship links or memories of the Rebecca Room etc, but then I thought why shy away from it. It will always been part of me, part of the fabric that is my life history, and still affects my life. I am not ashamed of my continued grief and it’s never going away, so I am just going to roll with it. A friend recently shared this on her Facebook, and I think it’s so true. In general I am learning to deal with reminders, and triggers etc, by just having cry, taking some deep breathes then looking at my children (or pictures of them) and realising that I am amazingly lucky to have them and that they are more than enough for me! But…the grief is still there.
Someone recently described to me the word their use for when talking about the date a baby is born sleeping, and they call it their angle day, which I think is lovely. As with Isabella, she died and was born on the same day, so I’ve never really felt I could call it her birthday, with Max he died in my tummy one night and was born the following morning. Even if you don’t believe in heaven, I still think angel day just brings a calmer and more peaceful image. I went to see them both today with this in my head, and it definitely made it easier.
As some of you know with September being a hideous month for me with these two dates, I decided to do a swim for SANDS. For those that don’t know the Stillbirth and Neo-natal Death Society provided the room that Max was born in and support in dealing with my grief after both losses. The challenge was meant to be swim five kilometres during September, but I decided to push myself to eight. If anyone could spare a few pennies for this awesome charity in Isabella’s and Max’s memory I would really appreciate it.
That’s me for now, it might be a long time or a short time before I post again who knows!
Muddled Mummy 