So… at my work there is this theme at internal marketing conferences of “walk on songs”, basically what entrance music is played when people walk on stage to make their presentation. I’ve always wondered to myself what mine would be, after this year I decided my song is Rachel Platten – Fight Song and here’s why…

Last week was a real test of my bravery and “fight”… firstly we had Isabella’s funeral on Tuesday. People ask me how the funeral went, but there isn’t really much to say, other than it went as well as could be expected. I got some lovely pink flowers for her, which half way through the service suddenly made me think of a bouquet she may have carried as a bride or bridesmaid, but I didn’t want to just have a tiny plain white coffin which no brightness to it. It was a very short and simple service, Isabella didn’t take a single breath in this world, there were no speeches about memories of her, anecdotal stories etc. Just two poems, two songs and a few prayers. However simple it was, it was important for us to say goodbye. We will scatter her ashes tomorrow, in a special place for us, the same place where Max was laid to rest. It makes me happy that they will be together, and I am sure he is already looking after her in heaven, and they are both watching over their big brother.

In the spring I am going to plant some Isabella RoseLily flowers, to join Max’s forget-me-nots in the garden.

On Wednesday I went to the hospital, to meet with the ward sister (Wendy) and the divisional head of nursing (Julia) to talk about what happened to me, and discuss ways in which they could change certain processes to make things a bit less traumatic for other pregnant couples. I must say from the start, they were both lovely and I really felt listened to. I also felt that my feelings of both anger and trauma were being validated, they both acknowledged what I went through – particularly giving birth behind a curtain on the ward – was horrific and made my experience harder to deal with than if I had been in a private room or in the special miscarriage suite. It was also interesting to find out that once you are 14 weeks you are put on the maternity ward, but before then hospital policy is to go onto Compton ward where I was (which is NOT a specific gynaecology ward).

They are now going to assign a side room to a pregnant person immediately as they come onto the ward. This room is going to be painted in a more soothing colour – I suggested purple (all the side rooms are currently white with a bright yellow door frame). They have also order a kit that has the right equipment should anything go wrong – including a torch so nurses won’t have to use their phones! They are going to have the SANDS information on hand, so that people can know what support is available, as well as more details on postmortem options for still borns. We also talked about how pregnant women should get a visit from a midwife once a day, who could bring a baby heart beat monitor or even a scan machine with them (as apparently there has to be special training to use the monitors and no one on the ward has done it). I did say I thought both times having to wait over the weekend to get a detailed scan in the unit was very hard (as they only open it Monday – Friday), and they acknowledged that.

One of the other memories I have is the cremation form being shoved in my face three minutes after giving birth, and how crassly it was worded. They are going to work with the hospital chaplain a revised form, and perhaps waiting a bit longer before giving to the parents. I also said that one of my lasting memories is the Drs telling me (and my husband on the phone), that the “pregnancy had come away”. The pregnancy hadn’t simply “come way” – my baby girl had been born sleeping, so I hope some of the Drs might work on their delivery of bad news!

Neither of the ladies knew what a ALICE bereavement appointment was – presumably as if you are less than 14 weeks pregnant and on that ward, then you aren’t offered one (its an appointment with a consultant to look and test results and come up with a plan for future pregnancies). But I said I think this needs to be situational, as what if someone gives birth to five sleeping babies, all before 14 weeks, does this mean they don’t ever get the opportunity to ask why and have a plan for the future? They agreed that it should be on a case by case basis (I hope with all my heart they stick to this).

We spoke about how long Isabella was left in the room with us in her special knitted cuddle crib (over 9 hours), but they explained a consultant has to come to take her away, and the room with us was the safest place – although I do think they should have pushed for a consultant to come quicker than that!! They also said my husband should have got a phone call from recovery with an update (instead of waiting 3.5 hours with no news), but that definitely didn’t happen. Unfortunately the pharmacy won’t allow them to keep certain drugs on the ward (if they had the right drugs maybe my placenta would have come out quicker and we wouldn’t have had to have waited such a long time for it to come out – when Isabella was still attached…), but I guess certain policies will be harder to change.

They have said they will send me their new care plan, and have invited me back in the New Year to see what changes they have implemented. I know not ever hospital would take this much interest in improving, and in that sense I feel lucky to be dealing with the Royal Surrey – although no one would describe me as lucky after this year. It just brings me some tiny bit of happiness to think it wasn’t all in vain, changes will be made and if anyone else loses a baby on that ward, the processes and environment will be better for them.  I am also going to take in an “in lovely memory” book for them, with the first entry being about Isabella, so it can be given to parents who lose babies on the ward, to write in their sleeping babies names and a goodbye to them.

So to finish with some lyrics from my walk on song…its about having “fight”.. this week I fought for other parents, and it gave me clarity. My “match” (my opinions) might not make an “explosion” at the hospital, but it will effect change and my voice will be heard. My friends and family are always asking how I am feeling (which is very lovely of them), and I tell them I really am OK as I could be under the circumstances, they look sad for me, but I think last week I’ve “proved I’m alright” and starting “right now, I will be strong… I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me”.

Footnote: just heard from the hospital, my first blog (about what happened) is being shared with the staff on the ward so they understand from a first hand perspective!!